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A journalist was assigned to the Jerusalem bureau of his newspaper. He gets an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall.
After several weeks he realizes that whenever he looks at the wall he sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.
The journalist wondered whether there was a publishable story here. He goes down to the wall, introduces himself and says:
"You come every day to the wall. What are you praying for?"
The old man replies: "What am I praying for? In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a glass of tea, and I come back to the wall to pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is taken by the old man's sincerity and persistence.
"You mean you have been coming to the wall to pray every day for these things?"
The old man nods.
"How long have you been coming to the wall to pray for these things?"
The old man becomes reflective and then replies: "How long? Maybe twenty, twenty-five years."
The amazed journalist finally asks: "How does it feel to come and pray every day for over 20 years for these things?"
"How does it feel?" the old man replies. "It feels like I'm talking to a wall."

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A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

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The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.
"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold."
She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar. "Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?"
To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. After a short massage she asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

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The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

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A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat
was in the back of the stadium.
As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.
He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken.
The man replied, "No."
Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"
The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away."
"Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"
"No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."

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Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives.
The first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy-style."
"Doggy-style? Did she go for it?"
"I'll say we did it doggy-style. I sat up and begged, she rolled over and played dead."

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This man and his wife were out playing golf when he hit a big slice and ended up behind a big building.
His wife said, "Look, both doors are open. If you can hit it through there with a little draw on it you could be pretty close to the green." He looked it over and decided to do it.
He hit the ball, the ball hit the building, bounced back, hit his wife in the head and killed her on the spot.

A few years later, the man remarried, and was out playing golf with his new wife, he ends up in the same spot, behind the building.
His new wife says,"look, both doors are open. If you can hit it through there with a little draw on it you could be pretty close to the green."
The man said, "Oh no, I tried that once and took a double-bogie."

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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.
She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."
"Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.
The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."

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A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"
"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.
"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

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Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had only one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?" he asked. The other guy replied that he only needed one.
"Are you sure?" the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."
"Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?
"The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "You see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."

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Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.
"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.
He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered,
"Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled - E-I-E-I-O."

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Kimo is a bus driver for the Honolulu Transit Company. One day Kimo is headed to work on his bus route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver works for the Honolulu Zoo.
He pleads with Kimo to do him a favor.
He offers a $100 bill to Kimo to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo, because they needed to be there within the hour.
Agreeing, Kimo proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.
An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery.
As he's driving down the road, he see's Kimo and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction.
He turns his van around and chases in pursuit.
He finally catches up to the bus and pulls over Kimo on the side of the road.
In an irate voice he asks, "Hey, Kimo. I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me?"
"Calm down," Kimo says. "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies!"

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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

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Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.
The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?"
"Head up," said the doctor.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck.
Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.
Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" said the executioner.
"Head up," said the chemist.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first
time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free.
Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" asked the executioner.
"Head up."
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out, "WAIT! I see what the problem is!"

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A young single guy finds himself stranded on a deserted island.
As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in the sand. Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life. Suddenly, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford.
Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man. Days and weeks go by, and they’re making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man’s eyes.
Alas, one day she notices he’s looking kind of glum. "What’s the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together and I’m in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?"
"Sure," she says," if it’ll help." He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts it on.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does so.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You’ll never believe who I’m sleeping with!"

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President John decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends 5,000 and  feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a news-stand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the paper man,
"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"  "About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," John says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47!" This makes John feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.  She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I  was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, John thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his trousers. Ten minutes later the old lady says,  "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned John says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was in the queue behind you at McDonalds."

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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it’s not the same hat!"
"Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up.
What’d you do with the boat ?"

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman’s garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions:
"I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could right between his legs.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching himself and howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now its my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."

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A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, ‘almost’?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary’s and put 50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The man replied,
"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

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This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants he’s ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

President John was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that John could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before John could offer his apologies for being so rude, The young woman said to him,
'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for 100 on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, John asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
John considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five 20 notes, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said,
'Paint my house.'

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!" and felt quite good about himself that he did a good deed and made someone feel happy.
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

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A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions.
The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?

Sam and Molly went for a divorce. The judge looked down at them. "How old are you?" he asked.
"Ninety-six," replied Sam, "and I’m in the pink, the pink!"
"Ninety-two," said Molly, "and I feel like sixty, judge!"
"And you want a divorce?" asked the judge.
"Yep, that’s it, a divorce!" chirped Sam.
"A complete divorce," echoed Molly, wiping the air clean with her hand.
"Complete. I never liked her. Never." said Sam.
"He made me nervous from the beginning," Molly said, "from the first day, I couldn’t watch him eat those sunflower seeds."
"How long are you married?" asked the judge, more and more incredulous.
"Seventy-two years!" they said in unison.
"Seventy-two…?" The judge took a deep breath. "But why did you wait so long?"
They looked at him like he was crazy, and Sam said, "We wanted to wait until the children died."

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A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her,
"Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her,
"Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks,
"Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. She dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. After the wedding, the bride and groom entered their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.
"Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" She exclaimed.
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

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A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonalds. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied,
"It's his turn with the teeth."

The real estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on. Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her.
"Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"
The secretary's reply, "My lawyer!"

A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts,
"Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery."
The husband says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean or should I pack for the mountains?"
She says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out."

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A man holding a parrot came running and screaming into a veterinarian's office. The vet immediately brought him into an examining room. The vet carefully examined the parrot, and then said to the man, "I'm sorry, but this bird is dead." The man began to cry, "No! No! That can't be true! I want another opinion."
The vet thought a second, then said, "okay," and left for the back office. He returned with a Black Labrador retriever.
The Black Lab sniffed and sniffed the bird, finally letting out a low "woof" sound and looking up at the vet.
The vet said to the man, "The dog thinks that the bird is dead too."
The man said, "I don't believe it! I want another opinion!"
The vet then left with the Black Lab and came back with a cat. He placed the cat on the examination table. The cat walked over to the bird and sniffed and nudged it again and again. Finally, the cat shrugged its shoulders and walked away from the bird.
The vet said, "The cat thinks it's dead too."
The man sighed and said, "I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?"
The vet said, "That will be $600.00."
The horrified man said, "Six hundred bucks! Just to tell me my bird is dead? That's ridiculous! That's outrageous!"
The vet then said, "Well, I was going to charge you $50.00, but then I had to include the Lab fees and CAT scan."


Past President Neil went into a restaurant and was seated. A particularly attractive waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that just kept going came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,
"What would you like, sir?"
Neil looks at the menu then scans her beautiful body from top to bottom, and answers,"A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks him again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again Neil thoroughly looks her over and again answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers to Neil, "I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE' ."

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After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favour.
The Pope says, "What can I do? "
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again."Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "Let me get back to ,you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news.
Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Loaf account."

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George Lunt takes wife Jane and son Alexander to the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and Alexander says to his mother,
"What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," Jane replies.
"No, under the tail," says Alexander.
Jane is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."
Alexander turns to his father and repeats the same question. George looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
"So,why did mum say it was nothing?"asks Alexander.
George draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

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A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied,
"Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"
The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"
The brother replied, "Denephew."

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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I ?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determine the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

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Mrs. Watson was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When Mrs. Lee returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
Mrs. Watson nodded.
"I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."

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Two Irishmen decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get
ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's the Logic?" the first Irishman asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a lawnmower?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a garden," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the Irishman.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a garden, you also own a house."
Impressed, the Irishman says, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty! This is incredible!"
The Irishman is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"
The Irishman, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are you taking'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History, and the Logic!" replies the first Irishman.
"What is the logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do you own a lawnmower?" asked the first Irishman.
"No," his friend replied.
"SO YOUR A QUEER ARE YOU?"

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A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.
The brunette came in first,the redhead second.
The blonde womanfinally reached shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters.
She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face.
Finding none, she quickly erased it,and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board.
Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words,
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

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A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face.
He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math, books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor.
He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room,closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card.
The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.
Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.
The boy shook his head and said "No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring?
The peer-mentoring?" "No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were serious!

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A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.
He opened he opened his newspaper and started reading---a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man".
"Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said turned tothe man and apologized.
"I'm sorry son, I didn't mean to come on so strong---how long have you had arthritis"?
"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has arthritis

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The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.
They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. After five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog.
The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That’s nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

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